Once upon a time, I had this idea of who I’d be as a parent. This cross between Mary Poppins (boundaries with fun/play? yes!) and Maria Von Trapp (playing outside and singing? yes!). Apparently I really like Julie Andrews. I’d be gentle but firm, sweet with a side of super happy, and always make sure my kids were incredibly well behaved.
And then I became a parent.
Of course, I’m sure that every mom reading this is laughing right now, because we’ve all been there! The idea we have in our heads is far from reality.
My first parenting lesson came in the form of sleep… or the lack of it. All parents understand this to some extent, but my husband and I felt it deeply and for a long time. Our sweet boy, for whatever reasons (and trust me – a myriad of people offered advice on the subject, and we scoured books from experts for help), woke every 2 hours for the first 14 months of his life. By the time he was about 4 or 5 months old, I had lost a significant amount of weight from stress; so much so, that my coworkers were starting to talk to me privately about how worried they were about me.
But no matter what we tried, and we tried a LOT, he still had trouble sleeping. Humble pie, served up – every single night. And that was just sleeping!
Beyond the physical things (sleeping, eating different/healthy foods, potty training), there’s personality and motivation. This is where I feel my biggest lesson has come. I thought that once I’d figured out how to help a kid sleep + eat well + go to the bathroom independently / say please and thank you / be able to follow my instructions, I had done a good job and figured out this parenting gig. And even more so, I thought that the things I’d used for one child could work for the next. I was so wrong!
I should’ve known – not every adult is motivated by the same thing. We all have unique personalities with preferences and strengths and weaknesses that show up early on. We don’t start out life as a blank slate; we are very much our own person from the day we’re born.
It took me several years to realize that I needed to re-start. I needed to find out who each of my kids was as an individual – what motivated them, what excited them, what scared them, what interested them, what made them laugh, what filled their tank, what drained their tank – in order to be the best parent I could for my kids. And of course, it’s an ongoing process! Something that (I’d assume) will happen for the rest of our lives.
Parenting really is a work of the heart. It’s less about behavior, and more about the character of our kids. If we help shape their hearts and lead them to God’s path, the behavior will follow. (And it will still look different for each person – we are people, not robots). Look at some of these verses:
“Watch over your heart with all diligence, For from it flow the springs of life.”
Proverbs 4:23
“Create in me a clean heart, God, And renew a steadfast spirit within me.”
Psalms 51:10
“for where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”
Matthew 6:21
We start out parenting thinking that it’s going to be all about what we teach our kids; and that’s definitely an important part of it. What amazed me the most is that in shaping my children’s hearts, my own heart has been refined. – they helped me see the sides of myself that I needed to tend to, and the sides of myself that I’ve loved. Because of them, I grew more determined, mentally strong, joyful, and flexible. Because of them, I saw how deep my selfishness ran; and I’ve been growing bit by bit every day into a more selfless person. Because of them, I understand that not every person’s story is apparent; and the behavior we are so quick to shame may have deep undercurrents we know nothing about. Because of them, I know more about compassion, forgiveness, patience, and love; a love that’s boundaries continue to grow wider and deeper.
A Little Golden Thread 